Hi Reader,

We are well into cozy season and I’ve been stressing Alex out with my open-flame candles on the mantle at night. I only set ONE window shade on fire back in Brooklyn and I still haven’t lived it down. 🤷

I’m not sure when I first heard the Danish word hygge (pronounced “hooga”), but it was long before having kids. I've always loved how beautifully it describes the way I want to feel at home, and how I want friends and family to feel when they visit: cozy, comfortable, connected. Or as a friend used to say, "max coze." There’s no better time of year than now to practice this ancient art.

I've read many definitions of hygge but I think my favorite is “the art of creating intimacy”, which can include tangible and intangible ingredients. Physical elements like candles, roaring fires, and perfect music can help create ambience, but they aren't the most critical ingredient.

We could be huddled up as a family in the coziest room on earth, but if we're glued to our own devices with noise cancelling headphones on, we're missing out on the most important part: human connection. It's the difference between sitting together and being together.

Last year was our first winter without gaming and YouTube shorts, and we leaned hard into activities that are heavy on the hygge. When I picked up the kids on a recent blustery afternoon, they chirped in unison “can-we-have-hot-chocolate-and-make-a-fire-when-we-get-home?!”

This inspired me to share some of our favorite screen-free ways to achieve max coze:

*build fires, light candles, dim the lights: in the absence of a fireplace, use tea lights, fairy lights, or a lamp on a dimmer switch to create a relaxing glow. Don’t get me started on dimmer switches and the best warm lightbulbs. I have opinions, honey.

*speaking of honey, have a tea party: (my dudes would cringe if I actually said "let's have a tea party!", but it's the vibe): whether it's peppermint tea and mini sandwiches or hot chocolate with popcorn, hot bev + savory snack + sparkling conversation = tea party.

*cook or bake together: involve the kids in prepping dinner, make soup, bake bread, or teach them how to make ramen, cinnamon toast, or other easy and comforting snacks.

*bundle up and get outside: walk the dog, go for a rosy cheeked hike, or ice skate, night ski, sled, or collect sticks and build a fire in your backyard fire pit.

*take music and art classes: find lessons/camps/classes at a local music or art school. Some art schools offer multi-age classes or standalone workshops for families. We've done multi-age glassblowing and pottery classes together.

*go on field trips: being cozy and connected doesn't have to happen at home. The kids love to go into town just to walk around together, or look at holiday lights, or take a trip to a nearby town to check out a special museum, park, farm, or shop.

In coaching sessions, I often talk about the power of simple but profound changes. I can remember thinking for years that I would be happier without Instagram on my phone (and I was right). But it took me 5 years to actually do it. Once I did, I couldn't believe the weight that was lifted by no longer feeling that self-imposed pressure to document my days and respond promptly to comments, as if it was my job.

When it came to my kids' screentime, I was in a similar state of auto-pilot for a long time. In early 2024, I snapped out of it and realized that I missed my kids on a deep, soul level, and that screens were keeping us apart. I had been inactive on social media for a couple of years by then, but hadn't made any changes to the kids' screen "diet." They were 8 and 10, halfway to adulthood. My spirit longed to reconnect with them and I wasn't going to let YouTube influencers come between us.

Phase one was removing the barrier to closeness (in our case, gaming / scrolling), and phase two was creating an atmosphere that fostered connection and nurtured our bodies and souls (reading together by the fireplace, or playing Boggle with hot mugs in our hands). In the best possible way, I don't miss my kids anymore.

What about you, Reader? How can practicing the Danish “art of intimacy” enhance your quality of life this season? What is displacing connection at home? What simple but profound changes are you inspired to make?

I'd love to hear from you!

xx

Phoebe